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Most of my blogposts are responses to my readers. Ask me any questions or tell me what to write about in my next post by commenting on the most recent post. Your name'll be featured in the post too :)

Friday, September 28, 2012

and so

With that last blogpost down there, I bring an end to my "blogger" account. No more dumb ads. No more "seeking for fame" shit. Just me, as a writer, and for anyone who shares that interest. Pure honesty.

I'm making one last, final move to a new site, here it is.

Click HERE to go to that new blog. And there it shall stay.

Carry on reading, guys. :)

Thursday, September 27, 2012

a bittersweet nightmare.

It started, like all dreams do; in the middle, without knowing how you ever got there.


I saw her sitting on the other side of the restaurant. Her, as I remember her; the light blue dress, the jean jacket with the pink straps on the sleeves. The wavy, brown hair. The slightest trace of eyeliner. And seeing her after so many months not having seen her physical form brought up this choking emotion inside. Like a whole year's worth of memories splashing colorfully across my mind in seconds.

And he was there. Good-looking, in a crisp white shirt and slacks. A fringe. A charming smile. An aura around him that was reassuring and caring. I expected no less from her.

She saw me. But chose to ignore me. I know she did; her smile faltered a little as she caught my eye. She turned back to chat animatedly with him.

And then they got up to leave. Out of impulse, I stood up and approached them.

"Can we talk?" That's all I said. Stupid really, but it was a dream. She stared at me with something like annoyance. And due to the weirdness of dreams, her date didn't oppose my request, and silently let me take her hand. We walked out into a cool, slightly chilly night. We sat on the roadside, by the sidewalk. I can remember it as clear as real life.

And slowly, tentatively, like two wild animals meeting for the first time, we talked. We talked about studies. I asked her where and what she was doing, and she told me she was going to Kent. I told her about Manchester, about how life was so far; that it was boring, and gloomy. Conversation got smoother as we continued, and we started talking more earnestly.

And suddenly there was nothing to say anymore. We just sat there. Minutes must've passed.

Then I heard a sob.

Looking at her, she was crying. And in my idiocy, because I didn't want to get in the way of her date I think, I chose not to wipe her tears off. I chose not to hug her. I just sat there and looked at her.

"I still care." She said that. And those words created an implosion of pain, happiness, hope, and dread at the same time. It welled up so badly in me I wanted to grab my head and scream it off. But I didn't.

"You do?" I asked stupidly. I wasn't really thinking straight anyway. She just nodded.

"... I still do too." I didn't really realize those words coming out of my mouth. It was so third person, like watching someone else uttering the words.

"After all this time?"

"Yes. After all this time." And I meant those words to the core. I felt it. This was the reason I couldn't look at another girl, couldn't love. I literally forgot how to love a woman. Everything was technical, and any move I made on a lady just made me feel worse and lonelier.

She didn't reply to that. I just heard her sobs, and the sounds of the night; the insects, an occasional passerby.

"Let's fix it," she said. She looked at me, tears on her cheeks, but not sobbing anymore. There was a firmness to her voice. And she repeated herself.
"Let's make it right again. One last time."

Those words made me fear. I feared for so many things. How fucked up our relationship was. The maelstrom of problems we went through. My parents telling me not to go back. My friends backing me up and how they, being gracious, still hang out with her, and they mention by accident now and then about how they've just went out with her. Some of my friends badmouthing her, and me shutting them up angrily for doing that. How her friends have cut contact with me, and likewise. How I never felt like I belonged to her social circle anyway.

And I hesitated. That hesitation, that one moment of doubt, made me so convinced that this wasn't a dream. That this was real. I was actually considering, making a decision. My dream wasn't pushing me to one path. I got to choose. This wasn't a dream. She really wanted me back. And I do too. I do.

My only reply was "I'll call you later tonight." I couldn't bring myself to say yes immediately, not here. Not with her date hanging around. Not after not talking for half a year. Take it slow. Get the conversation back. Every fibre in my being ached to just say yes and hold her, to finally feel her against me after having not felt that for so many lousy nights. But no.

She took it pretty easy. A simple "Okay." No disappointment, no expectancy. And I felt her lean against me. Her arm against mine. I felt the pressure. I felt the warmth. I could feel her hair on my shoulder. I could hear her breathing, slow and rhythmical. I could smell that familiar scent. I still remember it to this day. Her scent. That would be stuck in my head 'til today.

After forever, she got up. "I gotta go," she said. And again, an "Okay." This time from me. There were so few words spoken. I couldn't hear the brunt of the conversation we just had. Slowly, she walked towards her date, and they started to leave.

Before they went round the corner to his car, she turned around. And there was this smile. This beautiful smile. A relieved, confident smile. A smile that said "Everything's going to be alright from now on. I know it. So don't worry." I stood there, drinking in that face, those lips, the eyes. That smile.

Still smiling, she waved.

"Bye, Nick."


My eyes were still closed. My first emotion was confusion. Why am I lying down? I barely registered the sound of my phone ringing its daily 7.30am alarm.

And like an landslide, it gradually hit me. The realisation struck like a hammer blow. I literally felt it jarring my skull.

It was a dream.

Reality check, Nick. I can't describe the anguish I felt. The horror of what my mind just tricked me into believing.

The alarm ringing.
The pressure of my arm on my bed.
The rays of sunlight cutting through my curtains onto me.
The fact that I'm thousands of miles away from Malaysia.

Slowly, I curled up my body on the bed in a fetal position. Pathetic. Broken. And for the first time I willed myself to go back to sleep to relive a dream. To accept a dream over reality. It was beyond tears. I just lay there for hours, the image of her still imprinted in my mind, replaying over and over again like a broken video tape. False hope. Wrenched away. Just like that. Such a cruel mind I have.

I never want to dream ever again.

i-City 2012.

Thursday, February 9, 2012


If anyone here still reads this, you guys rock. You guys are awesome, and a tiny bit weird to come over to visit a blog that hasn't been updated for a century.

Sorry to disappoint you so many times, it's just been a real hectic life.

I'm swamped in business deals, business talks, entrepreneurship programs, trips to China, exams, love, everything. It's been crazy, I tell you.

I promise you, you faithful, faithful reader, that I'll someday be free of the tortures of college, and have time to keep up a steady flow of one or two blog posts a week. With pretty pictures, and trips, and experiences of my life.

Thank you all. I love you guys.

P.s. I'm getting tired that no one sees my love anymore. No one. Maybe that's why I changed? You were the catalyst.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Monday, December 26, 2011

state of silent turmoil.

Ever felt like, at some point in your life, any point, lifeless? Yeah, it's a frequented word, used at the smallest sign of boredom or pointlessness.

"Eh, you damn lifeless lah."
"These holidays, a bit lifeless lor I feel."
 I can't comprehend this feeling... But if there's anything that comes close to how I'm feeling, it's that word. It's when you don't think you're doing anything that benefits you. When you're dying for a change in pace in life, for something fresh, something beneficial.

I have a slightly negative outlook on studying. For more than a decade, (almost?) all of us have been working and studying to achieve good grades. It's been a monotonous ride of learning things, and some of the things don't even matter to us. History might play a huge role in "avoiding past mistakes", but really, what was the point? We never actually intended to use that knowledge. It was all for grades, and it's a sad, sad thought.

Yes, we have all been doing that for more than a decade. A continuous process of getting good grades every year without stopping. The long run objective? To get a good job.

Only lately, exposure to economics, accounting and business has interested me, and gave me a sign that business might be what I'm keen on venturing into. I absorbed the knowledge of business to put to use in my future, but I barely have the willpower to memorize ways to write essays on exchange rates.

I'm a man who can't survive on the same thing over and over again. I need constant change. Fresh challenges. And a huge amount of freedom. I have never tolerated things that appear the same day after day. Studying for grades, has been repeating in my life for 12 years. 12 years. It's killing me. I don't see the point.

Nevertheless, the adults will say, "It's to get into a good university, and you'll get a great job, and people will look up to you."

It's all about reputation. The relatives are constantly gossiping about you. Who's a bad kid? Who's a good kid? Who's got the best qualifications?

I feel trapped in a straight line, no curves, no bends, nothing. I want to do something with my life, I want a sense of achievement, a sense that I did something to change the world. And studying doesn't cut it. I want knowledge I will use.

I want to master the piano, the saxophone.
I want to travel the world.
I want to study the culture of the humans on Earth.
I want to invest in property.
I want to participate in charity groups.
I want to help with our education system.
I want to know more about the business world today.
I want to learn more about Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, and the countless other religions of the world.
I want to know about politics.
I want to learn the art of cooking.
I want to get rich.
I want to use the money for my family, myself, people who need it, people without it.
I want to speak 10 different languages.


And in that list of things above, none of them require me to study my ass off for grades that make me look good.

And yet, those desires, those wants, they're so much more rewarding, so much more abundant with knowledge. They will benefit me so much more than what I'm learning, and have been learning, the past decade.

It is because of this frustration, being obligated to study, that I torture myself by spending as much time as possible on the Internet, on Wikipedia, on Facebook, on Youtube.

I blame myself for being too weak. But my characteristic does not allow me to study for long periods of time.

Someday, I'll get all the knowledge I want. When I'm finally free to make my own choices without judgement from others.

For now, it's back to studying about the Theory of Marginal Revenue Product. *smacks head repeatedly*

 Rant over.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

it makes you wonder

Everyone's got opinions. But some opinions are wrong, and some are right. I'm a really, really factual and logical person. A bit too factual. I analyze based on what I see, and what I've seen, and I make my decision.

Undeniably, this person is incredibly intellectual for his age. The things he states in his blog are sort of an act of, as I have said countless of times before, "taking the situations and things in life we don't pay attention to, and learning a lesson from it". Which is real cool, in the sense I get to learn what he's been learning. I envy him, for I can't really do that. It's a special skill, even if he doesn't realize it.

I only think he gets too radical sometimes, and a bit contradicting, calling people sensitive sometimes, and becoming assumptious (not sure how you spell that, there's a red line under that word) the next. Many instants have I just made a simple comment, or stated something that didn't even come from me, and he burst forth with a rant in which half of it really did sting me. It made me think: 

"Damn, how many other people think I'm like this?"
I had to explain to him that I was passing the message, and that I stood up for him in front of people I love, because as I said, I'm factual and logical. If it's right, it's right. Vice versa.

Another time was Bersih. I didn't like the way his "friend" said (this is more or less, I can't remember the exact statement) "whoever doesn't join the Bersih rally is lazy."

That insulted me as a person. I just did not want to participate. We're all set to our opinions. I wanted to have a nice day out with my family. We who did not participate, who totally did not want to be involved did not complain about the traffic the government caused. We did not complain about the lockdowns. But here you are, calling us lazy, when we're just indifferent.

I nicely commented that "lazy" wasn't a great way to describe us. And he immediately called me "low". That's really degrading, and proves how immature he was under influence of a movement, or a passion.

Anyway, he tends to get very sensitive about certain things. Religion not being one of them, but income...? Yeah, well. I have never judged any of my high school friends in terms of income. It never crossed my mind. Personally, when I buy something, I feel good cause I used my own money for it. But never have I thought, "Hey, I've got something, and he doesn't have it, cause he can't afford it."

I just didn't like the way he phrased some things. Other people have views even more radical than he does; I don criticize them. Cause they're harsh, straight to the point, true, and most of all, general. 

I have never met someone who said:

"Oh, it's another big recession, the blacks are gonna suffer."

That's just biased. Why the blacks? Why not the redneck whites? Do all blacks live with a sub-optimal income?

"Anymore public holidays, and our FDI goes down, along with your LVs and Guccis."

That clearly, clearly implies that everyone posted on Najib's wall, saying "Hey Najib, holiday la, I wanna buy my LV and Gucci." I'm not being insulted. Cause I'm not a brand conscious guy. So what other reason would I have to comment on that statement if I'm not offended?

I dunno if he meant it, but it was a pretty weird post. I questioned the necessity of putting brands there, especially after he ranted and insulted me about how I had things he didn't have a year ago.

He's a really good friend, one of the truest friends I'll have. That's why I fought so hard to preserve our friendship that day.

Monday, November 14, 2011

narrowly awake

I can't sleep.

Several things lead to several more things, and before you know it, you're thinking too much to even get a wink of sleep.

First you'll be thinking about the events of the day, how you boned a girl, how you finally managed to say hi to that curvaceous librarian at the library (duh) down the street, etc, etc; which makes you fear that thinking too much about it will cause insomnia. The fear of insomnia might either:

a) Make you force yourself to sleep, which will make your brain even more active, or

b) You start having insomnia effective immediately.

The chain of reaction just makes everything worse and worse, and worse, til you get to the point where you fuck everything up by doing the worst thing you could do when you can't sleep: You start looking at the time.

"2am. Damn. Better get some sleep, gotta wake up at 8 tomorrow. Oh wait, it already is tomorrow. Why do people still say 'see you tomorrow' after 12am? No, I'm thinking too much again. Time to sleep."

"3am already? S***, I haven't slept? This ain't good, not good at all. I should stop looking at the clock..."


*At 8am* "Good f***ing morning, fellas."

At around 5am, you start to give up on sleeping.

And you end up writing your opinion on how insomnia works, like what I'm doing right now.

...I can't sleep.